It amazes me sometimes how God will use the same lesson for multiple people in my life at the same time. This weeks lesson Failure. My life is a complete and utter failure. No this isn’t a pity party. I am glad.
Sunday our pastor gave a sermon about failure. He said that people are more likely to regret the things they never tried than those they did. This is so true. At the end of your life there are a lot of wishes. I wish I would have… you fill in the blank.
To be faithful followers of Christ, we must be risk takers. To take risks means you are inevitably going to fail. So instead of dwelling in failure and trying not to fail, we need to do the opposite. Fail Fast, Fail frequently, and Fail forward. That is the definition of being successful I feel, Failing forward.
The past few months have been extremely hard on us. My husband is on salary so no matter what he works (sometimes 50+ hours a week) he gets paid for 40. My husband gets up at 3:30 to leave our house at 4. He works from 5-5 and then drives the hour home. Some days it’s worse and he doesnt come home till 7. This makes it hard on me. I’m going for honesty here. I pretty much run this family and farm on my own. When we moved here we knew it would be tough but you never really know a situation until you get into it. It is hard, exhausting, and all we have doesnt seem to be enough.
When we moved our house payment quadrupled. The other bills stayed the same. We had added expenses of turning on utilites and buying more fencing, plus still trying to do all that we had done before…you know like eat, buy some clothes, buy animal feed. Every week I feel like a failure because I dont have a job. I mean I do but not one that brings in money. I certainly cannot ask my husband to get a second job..when?? I also feel I am still suppose to homeschool the children. They help me so much on the farm that I cant imagine a whole day without them. I also cant imagine spending a whole day in the workforce not doing what God has called me to do. So here I sit..a complete failure..I”m doing everything horribly and nothing well.
So there I sat last week in a pity party state. I went to church and asked my sunday school class for prayer over finances. I was able to get a one day a week job and babysit over summer so some money is coming in, but that is just for food and there are so many other needs. I asked them to pray for the right door to be open and for God’s help in this situation.
This past week then was the sermon on failure..go figure. But what the pastor said got me thinking…. My whole life has always been a failure and that I needed to look at it from another angle. I again entered sunday school thinking about this. One lady said she thought of me all week and prayed for me. She said she was worried for me. This is what I told her and the rest of the class.
Thank you for your prayers but as I was sitting today in church thinking of failure, I realized I fail daily. My whole life is constant failure, but also tons of growth. I am constantly trying something only to have it fail like 4 times before I get it to be what I want. I realized that even financially I am failing, but growing. Yes its hard having this house payment and bills to accompany the new house but as I’m failing to provide, it is making me strive to find a better way and eventually I will be a success in it.
You see I had the wrong approach. I am worried still about bills and such, but worrying wont add anymore hours to my day or years to my life, it only adds stress. Instead I am embracing my failure as a homeschool mom, as a farmer, as a gardener, and as the financial keeper, and I’m going to keep failing until I get it right. It’s not about giving up and grabbing the first thing that pops up. It’s about humbling yourself before God and asking What do you want for me? How do I get there? Then doing what you think it is until you get it right. Yes I could send my kids to public school, get a 40+ hour a week job, but when it comes to God’s plan how is that going to work? It wont. I cannot run the farm, garden, and homeschool which are my passions, if I am chasing after financial security in a way that wasnt meant to happen. God has a plan for us to be financially secure in the farm, in gardening…how is that possible when I am not failing daily at making that happen? If I am too busy doing things to help myself, how can I have time to let God help me?
God this year has done wonders here, and I’ve been to worried to see it! Looking back, since the move, I see how God has given me a garden when I had no house. He has provided rain so I didnt have to go there but once a week. He provided a bounty to take care of my CSA even though I think it’s not enough, they are happy with it. He has blessed us with fence being given to house animals, enough extra money after buying the house to build a nice big frame-in chicken coop. He has allowed us to buy sheep again this year to fill our freezer. He has had friends come out of the woodwork to help on the farm by tilling and giving us raspberries, blackberries, peach trees, apple trees, asparagus, kale, rhubarb..the list is endless and will produce for years to come. He has taken a plot of land that I cannot afford to fertilize, that is mostly sand and brought forth a bounty so great I am amazed everyday just looking at it. It’s so freakin AWESOME! Why on earth am I having a stressful pity party when God is taking all my trial and errors..my failures and turning them into something good?
There will be food to eat, bills will be paid, it just wont be my plan. It will be God’s plan that I must fail daily at until I succeed.
Happy Homesteading!! :D