Monthly Archives: September 2015

Lost

It seems since moving here I’m lost. The first year it was all about starting something new and it seemed all I did was fail. Not so much fail I guess as not succeed.

I didn’t have enough fencing, I didn’t have enough help, I didn’t have enough building supplies to finish projects… It seemed like it was never going to happen. In this last year fibromyalgia hit me hard. The fatigue unbearable, the work not done, the projects put on hold, the money..still not there. People are more than willing to buy my goods but I cant get it out there to sell.

My kids tried to help this year with the garden. We had awesome lettuce and nothing was done with it. Onions faded away with weed growth, tomatoes over run with lambs quarter…green beans intertwined with horse nettle. My garden grew great weeds this year…tall as your eyes can see up! However without my leadership and constant prodding, my kids wont do it. They do not have a farming heart.  I think one of my sons would do well being self sufficient and living that hunter gatherer life style but gardening is just not his thing.

I’m a bit ADD when it comes to my life. Everything needs to be done and so little projects get started here and there as money is available but nothing is getting finished. I’ve tried my hand at several things to help bring income to our farm. I’ve sold Usborne Books and while that was great, parents dont want to spend their money on such things..not with xbox sitting there and iphones. At least not around here… I’ve done various craft items and will try my hand at a few craft fairs this fall but had I grown a bumper garden crop, sold at the farmers market, and tucked that money away, some of my projects would be complete. We would have a full pantry of food due to canning and freezing and drying.

Sadly this is not the case. I know God will look out for us and always provide, but I was put on this earth to grow and produce food for our family and to sell to others. It just doesnt seem like I’m doing my job if I can’t get out of bed in the morning.  This year seemed to be the year of what is easily taken care of….what can you do after your kids leave?? While this is a good thing to ponder, given my kids will leave here hopefully in 5 ish years and start their own lives, it still seems wasted. Recently my husband and I have been watching Mountain Men. This is a bad thing for us. I love the show but it stirs my soul to the way we should be living and aren’t. I’m not sure how to fix it. We have a lot of debt and my husband really doesn’t care for his job anymore. I would love for us to live off the land more and not have as many bills and debt. It’s like luxuries of life keep us tied between a life of self reliance and a life of “normal” people.

It’s really hard to explain and I’m sure some of you with kids get it. A couple small examples are we homeschool online, but the bills from the internet and electricity just to school online are high versus me sending them to public school and not having those things. I feel they get a better education, better nutrition, and better life lessons with them at home but we need internet and electricity… another example is food. This world is filled with junk and unfortunately sugar cereals, pop tarts, donuts, candy, pop…all that exists and our friends eat it, they serve it when we visit, yet we try to keep it out of our house. It would be easier if we had no kids, but we do and its there and it costs us money to buy those items we could do without. It’s hard when you eat it once or twice, not to want more when it’s not around. The last example is my husbands truck. He drives many miles to work everyday, we need a reliable vehicle. My husband could trade it in for a more affordable truck, but he doesn’t really have anything that is his as it is. The payment kills us and there is no refinancing, but for him to have one nice thing…

Again, I’m lost. How do I strike a balance in my life that works here at this place with our many acres, my fibro troubles, my lack of work help, my increasing buyers, my desire for self sufficiency, and my ever mounting debt??… This is the question I will be figuring out over this winter. Winter..my season of rest…my season of reevaluation.

 

Happy Homesteading!!   😀

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